After finding out that my mom had hidden from me that the man who raised me was not my biological father, my parents forbade me from looking for him. I feel that I need to know him, for I have never felt that I had a father. My sister doesn’t love me because I have a different biological father.

I think that I have the right to know him, but my adoptive dad says that it will be my fault if something happens to my mom because of how upset it might make her. I need some advice from you.

Dear Friend,

We are truly sorry for the rejection that you feel from your sister. She doesn’t understand that loving families don’t have to be related biologically. That is because adoption normally creates a bond that is just as strong as a biological relationship.

However, it sounds like your relationship with your adoptive father has not been the best, though you do not say why. If he has treated you any differently than he treats your sister, you would have probably mentioned it. And if he has neglected you or abused you, you would have probably mentioned that as well. So we will assume that you have been treated well, except for the way they have handled the issue of your biological father.

We believe that adopted children should never be told lies. Adoption is not a shameful or sordid subject, and children who are adopted will be better adjusted if they know that they are adopted before they are even old enough to understand what that means.{ Parents should tell their adopted children that they wanted them so much that they chose to become their forever parents.

Unfortunately, it is too late for you because your parents chose not to tell you when you were very small. What they did cannot be changed no matter how much it now hurts you. It is very likely that they had a good reason for not wanting you to know your biological father. He might be a drug addict or a criminal. Or, without ever knowing you, he may have decided that he did not want a child. Your parents may be trying to keep you from suffering because they have every reason to believe that he will reject you.

Women much like you have told us in writing that they have been successful in finding their biological fathers. We wish we could tell you that it worked out well for them. You can find out what happened in their situations if you read Cases 244 and 313.

Just as your parents cannot change the past, neither can you. You cannot give yourself the childhood that you wish you had had. But you can experience relief for the ache in your heart if you will reach out to the Father who has been there with you from before you were born. God, who is your Heavenly Father, loves you more than you can imagine. He wants to give you peace to fill the emptiness you feel, and give you the wisdom to know whether or not to search for your biological father.

We wish you the best,

Linda

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